Heavy Hearted

Do you ever feel like you are just going through the motions of your daily routine? Just doing what you have to do, trying to close off your emotions, focus on your daily tasks, and just get through the day? Do you ever feel like you are on the edge of an emotional breakdown and if one more thing goes amiss you are going to lose it big time? Yeah, it’s not a good feeling at all, is it? I have definitely been struggling lately to keep my emotions in check. Struggling from the weight of a heavy heart.

I know these feelings, this sense of barely holding it together, is situational. I know the seasons in my life are everchanging. It’s not always sunshine and roses; it’s not always gloomy and raining.

I know that I can cry out to Jesus and He hears me. He is my comforter, my refuge. I know all of this, but mercy, I am still struggling right now and everything seems to be weighing me down more than it should.

Last week I lost a very dear friend, my cousin, to cancer. She fought a hard battle, never giving up hope. She did not waiver in her faith that God was going to heal her from the horrible disease that overtook her body. Yet, she died. A very slow, a very painful, death. It was hard to see her life on earth end in that way.

The whole experience has left me struggling. Not spiritually, I know that God is the same God in the valley as He is on the mountain. And while I don’t know the “why’s”, I do know that even though Jesus paid the price for our healing, sometimes the healing doesn’t manifest itself in our bodies the way we expect it to. Like I said, I don’t know why. I have questions that will probably never be answered this side of Heaven, but my faith in God is unwavering. I know He is a true and faithful God, a loving God. I will praise Him no matter what.

So while I’m not struggling spiritually, I am definitely struggling emotionally.

I am so angry.

I am angry that Jennifer died at only 48 years of age. Angry that her grandbabies have to grow up without her. Angry that her girls had to watch their mother go through such a painful death. I’m just angry!

And I am so incredibly sad.

I miss our almost daily chats. I miss reading her facebook posts and seeing her respond to my posts. I miss talking to her about God and His Word. I miss my friend.

I am heartbroken for her girls and her grandbabies. And I’m heartbroken for her. I know that sounds strange, to be heartbroken for someone who is in Heaven. That’s where we all strive to be someday. Heaven is our eternal home, nothing can ever compare to the joy we will have there. One of Jennifer’s favorite songs was “I Can Only Imagine”. She knew that she would be happy and at peace, basking in God’s Glory, and she could only imagine just how awesome it would be. So while I’m not heartbroken for her in this moment, because she would never choose to leave Heaven, I’m heartbroken for what she was going through emotionally when she realized that she wasn’t going to be here for her family anymore. She knew they still needed her. She knew they would be devastated, and that it would be so hard for them to continue life without her. She was heartbroken for them. That is why I’m heartbroken for her.

I just can’t stop thinking about how she felt. I just can’t imagine the day I will have to say good-bye to my own kids, how that will affect them. How hard that will be for me. To know that their lives will go on and I won’t be here to share in their life experiences. Furthermore, I can’t imagine saying good-by to my mom and my dad. I mean, we all know there is time to be born and a time to die. We know this, but there is just something about watching a loved one painfully acknowledge that this is their time to die. It’s an emotion I can’t even put into words. It’s something that will stick with you, change you. Jennifer is not the first person I have been with in their last days, but I guess since she was about my age, only 4 years older than me, it just affected me in a different way. Maybe it’s because she talked to me openly about how she didn’t want to leave her children and that is something I can truly relate to. I don’t know, I just know that I’m feeling very overwhelmed.

I am feeling raw with so many emotions. And I am trying so hard to keep them in check; to get through the day with a “business as usual” attitude. But it’s getting more difficult to not snap at the little things that life throws my way. It’s getting more difficult to hold my tears in. It’s getting more and more difficult to hide behind a smile. So yeah, I’m struggling. But I keep reminding myself what Jennifer used to say more often than not…”There is always a silver lining, we just have to look for it”. Mercy, sometimes that silver lining seems faint, and oftentimes distant, but I know it’s there. And I know that if she had the chance to give me one more piece of advice, she would tell me to stay strong in the Lord and to not ever take a single day for granted.

Author: Dana Capps

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